8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
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I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no