BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
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*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Europe. Made in Germany.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.