Smile Twitter, Smile.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.