Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.