Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
This will never not be funny to me.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Meow?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning