Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
You Might Also Like
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray