What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke