That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
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getting corrected
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
True?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.