If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”