Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
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I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.