I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.