Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
buying dead houseplants to save time
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again