3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
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Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
men, we mow at sunrise.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now