I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
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Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.