In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
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4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.