Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
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Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.