Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Mad Max: Furry Road
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.