Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.