It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him