You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out