Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??