at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
You Might Also Like
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Boom, boom, ching!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?