[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.