Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
pls suprot
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I had to Stop for this
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.