Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
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“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?