How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: