Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Britain be like
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”