this makes me so uncomfortable
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“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]