When ur friends with white people
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The two types of wives
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you