Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house