If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.