tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Lmao
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*