In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing