Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I occasionally drink every single night.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*