It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
You Might Also Like
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this