I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
You Might Also Like
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.