A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.