Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.