G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you