If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
You Might Also Like
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Free him
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.