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What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
this came to me in a vision
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Hit me in the face with a bird
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve