Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
You Might Also Like
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.