When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?