That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
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Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Um … Hot Wings please
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Oh deer
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.