“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
You Might Also Like
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.