I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
What’s a Messi?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me