Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
all that yoga finally paid off
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.