People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.