Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.