Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Generation gap…
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
#winning
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.